Friday, September 11, 2009

Good luck pulling up a "NASA page on the Internet" with your RAZR, jackass.

From: Marti XXXXX
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 11:10 AM
Subject: Fwd: Cowboy Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

That Devil...he's SO CLEVER!

-----Original Message-----
From: James XXXXX
To: Betty xxxxx
Sent: Fri, Aug 14, 2009 10:57 pm
Subject: FW: Satan's Meeting!!!!!!

--- On Fri, 8/14/09, xxxxx, Jack CMSgt USAF xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx <xxxxx@xxxxx.af.mil> wrote:

From: xxxxx, Jack CMSgt USAF xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx <xxxxx@xxxxx.af.mil>
Subject: FW: Satan's Meeting!!!!!!
Date: Friday, August 14, 2009, 2:02 PM

WOW, THIS IS VERY DEEP. PAY ATTENTION TO EVERY WORD!!!!!!

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.

In his opening address he said,

"We can't keep Christians from going to church."

"We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth...."

"We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with Their SAVIOR."

"Once they gain that connection with JESUS, our power over them is Broken."

"So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship With JESUS CHRIST.."

"This is what I want you to do," said the devil:

"Distract them from gaining hold of their SAVIOR and maintaining that Vital connection throughout their day!"

"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.

"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable Schemes to occupy their minds," he answered....

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.."

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty Lifestyles."

"Keep them from spending time with their children."

"As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from The pressures of work!"

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice."

"Entice them to play the radio or I-Pod whenever they drive.." To Keep the TV, DVDs, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see To it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music Constantly."

"This will jam their minds and break that union with CHRIST."

"Fill the coffee tables with20magazines and newspapers."

"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day."

"Invade their driving moments with billboards."

"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and Every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services And false hopes."

"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands Will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll Become dissatisfied with their wives. "

"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night."

"Give them headaches too! "

"If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to Look elsewhere.."

"That will fragment their families quickly!"

"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the Real meaning of Christmas."

"Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about HIS resurrection And power over sin and death..."

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive."

"Have them return from their recreation exhausted."

"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on GOD'S creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies Instead."

"Keep them busy, busy, busy!"

"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and Small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences."

"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek Power from JESUS."

"Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health And family for the good of the cause.."

"It will work!"

"It will work!"

It was quite a plan!

The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere To get busier & more rushed, going here & there.

Having little time for their GOD or their families.

Having no time to tell others about the power of JESUS to change lives.

I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes?

You be the judge!!!!!

Does "BUSY" mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?

Please pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!

I don't think I know 10 people who would admit they love JESUS.

Do You Love HIM?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Miracles: Part 3

From: Catherine xxxxx
To: xxxxx@ariesmarine.com; Ellen xxxxx; xxxxx@aol.com; 'Debbie xxxxx'; xxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Friday, January 23, 2009 6:46 AM
Subject: FW: Prayer for Finances (it works)

It can’t hurt…gotta try :)

God has more than a thousand Ways to provide for us, that we know nothing about. Here is your financial blessing!

It's a simple prayer, you got 30 Seconds?

Don't sleep on this...Someone recently read this for the first time and Received exactly enough for a $0 balance on all credit cards.

If you need a financial blessing, continue reading this e-mail.

Heavenly Father, most Gracious and Loving God, I pray to you that you Abundantly bless my family and me. I know that you recognize, that a Family is more than just a mother, father, sister, Brother, husband and Wife, but all who believe and trust in You.

GOD, I send up a prayer request for Financial blessing for not only the Person who sent this to me, But for me and all that I have forwarded This message on to. And that the power of joined prayer by those who Believe and trust in you is more powerful than anything.! I thank you in Advance for your blessings. God, deliver the person reading this right Now from debt and debt burdens.

Release your Godly wisdom that I may be a Good steward over all that you Have given me GOD, for I know how Wonderful and mighty you are and how If we just obey you and walk in your word And have the faith of a Mustard seed that you will pour out blessings.

I thank you now Lord for The recent blessings I have received and for The blessings yet to come, Because I know you are not done with me yet.

In Jesus name Amen

TAKE 60 SECONDS and send this o n quickly and within hours, you will have Caused a multitude of people to pray to God for each other.

Then sit Back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing That you know He loves.Peace and Blessings....

Have Faith 8 angels are sent 2 you,
You must send them to 8 people including me.
In 8 minutes you will receive something you have long awaited.

________________________________
A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

Miracles: Part 2

From: james xxxxx
Subject: FW: The Devil Paid
Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2009, 9:19 AM

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.

He became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges  and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

SMILE AND PASS THIS ON.

--------------------------------------------------
Windows Live™: Discover 10 secrets about the new Windows Live

Miracles: Part 1

From: Germaine@xxxxx.com
To: xxxxx@bellsouth.net; xxxxx@msn.com; xxxxx@dow.com; xxxxx@aol.com; xxxxx@gmail.com; xxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Wed, 28 Jan 2009 8:26 am
Subject: FW: Miracles do happen

The cure for ignorance is free, but the cost of ignorance is infinite.

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placin g the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment.
Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. He's
really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.'

I beg your pardon said the pharmacist..

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a
miracle does your brother need?'

' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'

'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audibly.

'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. '

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a=2 0miracle cost..one dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law. I know you'll keep the ball moving!

Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.

Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.

MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad......I will dry your tears.

When you are scared.... .I will comfort your fears.

When you are worried.....I will give you hope.

When you are confused.....I will help you cope.

And when you are lost...And can't see the light, I shall be your beacon....Shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?....Because you're my friend.

Signed: GOD

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Cathy is a whore. A whore-in-Christ.

From: xxxxx@yahoo.com
Date: March 5, 2009 4:59:10 PM CST
To: xxxxx@gmail.com
Cc: xxxxx@tmail.com, xxxxx@gmail.com, xxxxx@tmail.com

Hi Cathy,

I'm writing this email because i want to ask for your forgiveness for how i acted towards you when I got involved with Dan.  I was not a good friend to you during that time and I apologize for my insensitive actions.  I hope that you are able to forgive me.

I also wanted to tell you that i forgive you for your part in the affair and Adam's deception.  no matter how big or small of a role that you may have had I forgive you.  i know i told you this before, but i truly understand it and mean it this time.

I pray that God is doing amazing things in your life and has healed you from all of the pain that you have been through.

Your Sister in Christ,

Valerie

Saturday, November 1, 2008

These amazing, modern conveniences!

From: "Xxxxx, Blaine"
Sent: Monday, September 15, 2008 7:38:26 AM
Subject: FW: DID YOU KNOW THIS INFORMATION?

Who ever looks at the end of your aluminum foil box?  What a fantastic idea. Now, if someone would just make plastic wrap that didnt stick to itself. I've been using aluminum foil for more years than I care to remember. Great stuff, but sometimes it can be a pain. You know, like when you are in the middle of doing something and you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box.  And written on the end it said, Press here to lock end.  Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there?  I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too.  I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too!  I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

I'm sharing this with my friends that did not know this.  If you all ready know this, delete this message and don't e-mail me and make me feel dumber than I already feel..  If you didn't know this, e-mail me and let me know so I won't feel so dumb.

I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.

I IMMEDIATELY WENT  AND PUSHED IN ALL MY TABS...HA

Don't bother looking on snopes.  This one is true I just looked and there were tabs on both sides of my Reynolds Wrap.  Duh!!!!